Suffering & Grace

Today my last-born is poorly.  I call her my last-born and each time I say it I am nudged in my mind, Nudged by God, that it is only I naming her my last-born ~ but that God might well have other plans!  Considering my circumstances it seems highly unlikely that things will ever turn out other – but each time I say it ~ its as if God very consciously smiles at me?

She is seven.  I think she has a virus.  The nurse gave her an asthma pump today (as she has a slight wheeze) that she should use when the cough gets particularly bad at nighttime.   Although the nurse reassures me “I am sure there is no infection, and no asthma either ~ just a wheeze on the right side.” 😦

My Last-born :-),  is today very poorly and off her food 😦   ~ poorlier still ~ she is off her hot-chocolate ~  And that believe me is poorly!

Please may you pray for her.

During our special Mummy cuddles we have a conversation it goes like this

Last-born  ~ “I Love you Mummy”
Mummy ~  “I Love you more”
Last-born ~ Giggle
Mummy ~ “Or do you think we Love each other completely equal?”
Last-born ~ “Yes, I think we Love each other completely equal”
Mummy ~ “Maybe My Love and Your Love are not equal at all ~ maybe there isn’t even my Love and your Love ~ maybe there’s just Our-Love! ~ Just One.”

and in that moment it was as if the Love were the absolute/maximum/complete amount of Love that were ever possible.  And it wasn’t measurable in equalness or unequalness but in wholesomeness ~ holisticness ~ Holiness ~ which wasn’t measurable ~ for there was nothing to measure just LOVE.

And in that profound little exchange something momentarily flickered and I grasped something about Love and Unity that surfaced in a flickering semi conscious way that left me feeling Graced  ~ and then from the Graced lightbulb moment of revelation, the clarity of the moment (that feeling of revelation and knowing)  slowly dipped to just below the surface of my grasping again ~ where the clarity became opaque ~ and where one is left feeling a little-more-light needs to be shone upon the wonder to secure the clarity in a less opaque place.    Fascinating.


Its been yet another week of blessings and sadnesses.  A mother from the children’s school went missing.   The local community and strangers and friends all turned out to look for her, in teams organized by another school mother – in co-ordination with the supervision of Essex police.

Her body was found in the beautiful grounds of Essex University.  Despite such tragic sadness the community being drawn together in a communion of Love for a friend was a Graced place.

Unbeknown to me Aleasha had a rare form of Ovarian Cancer, only 2% of woman suffer from this hideous strain of this hideous disease.  My son used to play at their house when the boys were in infant school ~ although they were in different classes it was a friendship formed in nursery that continued into their early primary years.  The family was incredibly in love and incredibly close with each other.  At only 36/40  10/12 years old, for a young family to be forced to face such sadness is momentous.

May God hold them all close.

God graced me and Rob with having a very short but beautiful exchange of words after they found her body.  I talked about Love being eternal because Love supersedes even death.   And Rob said that he knew this to be true because Aleasha had shown him to believe that too.  I told him that ‘it is a blessed man who knows this to be true’.   And God was right there in our exchange.  How can you tell a man he is blessed when his beautiful soulmates body has just been found? ~ I don’t know ~ but God can do anything he wants ~ however impossible.

Please may I request your prayers for this very special family


Upon my own, very special spiritual journey ~ with all its mountains ~ hostile terrain ~ and blockades ~ God continues to bless me in His secret ways.  In recent weeks I have found (else been led to) a very special Spiritual Director.  Very special indeed.  God so blesses me.  The physical journey to get there this week was not unlike my actual spiritual journey to find her ~  Localised flooding meant I had to manoeuvre my ‘Wings’ through murky swollen waters, which left a muddy swell over the roadway, almost impassable, whilst winding low through the prettiest valley.  Most would have turned back!

My time with her is so blessed, please may you pray for us that this relationship continues to grow in Love , trust, and the fruit of the Spirit.


Thank You God for the blessings


About mags

Beloved apostle of His Soul x
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