Maria my best friend came round on Friday.  Her 40-year-old sister had died in the early hours of the morning from pneumonia, caused by the side effects of her chemotherapy which was treating her genetic breast cancer.  For the past so long she has dressed an open wound on her breast ~ a cancer that would not heal.  She leaves behind in France a 12-year-old daughter and a husband.

It came as a great shock to us all.

My best friend came round to my home in floods of tears ~ she herself on her 4th round of Chemo (now in tablet form.)  Palliative care to control breast cancer which has morphed into terminal bone cancer.  Nobody knows how long.  One minute I am distraught that it looks as if she won’t make Christmas ~ the next as if by miracle she gains strength for another round.

She broke ~ and I held her ~ and I held her ~ and it was SHITE.   How can somebody struggling and fighting so bravely, be so cruelly confronted by the closest cruelest death at such a momentous time.

Sometimes I think I alone have no more energy ~ or morale ~ or stamina to receive anymore sadness.  So imagine how she feels.   And then there’s her dear children ~ and her dear husband   ~  All Crucified in slow torturous motion.

On Saturday I went to an overnight Spa with my own dear sister ~ precious sisterly time. Time to turn away from the weight which I struggle to carry ~ buckling under the sadness.

I pretend it isn’t there for 24 hours.

Pre this latest news I desperately needed a little restoration ~ Everything seemingly in destruction all around me at once.   To come back is to feel the weight doubled for the liberty of having gone.

And then some little blip-spark of faith tries in the loneliness to grapple for the slightest blessing ~ for one knows that anytime soon ~ its all going to get so very much worse. And I cry ~ and I scream ~ and I swear.   And I think of the holocaust and the terrorists ~ and I stare the Devil in the face ~ and I tell him ~ I will never stop Loving ~ because you are not going to make me hate!

And I wish others were brave enough to Love beyond the confines of evil restrictions.

I need to be held.

And I sit in silence for 20 minutes at a time ~ emptying my mind of everything but silence so that God can sit in the silence with me.

And cry.


About mags

Beloved apostle of His Soul x
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