A few posts back I wrote  ~  ‘Sometimes I think I alone have no more energy ~ or morale or stamina to receive anymore sadness.’

As soon as I wrote it I wished I hadn’t.

I have two friends who have shared every step and every twist and turn of my spiritual journey ~ one of them my best friend I have written about throughout my blog posts ~ she has terminal breast cancer, now in her bones.  She is a good, strong, brave, wise dearest sister.  We share sisterhood and I Love her.

The other dear friend was once an Essex University philosophy lecturer ~ a friend whom I met through Church.  A gentle humble academic single woman ~ older and wiser than me. Our friendship has grown intimately deeper over the years.  Weekly we would share over coffee ~ conversing always until midnight, sometimes passionately sometimes gently discussing theology ~ Church ~ sociology ~ life etc.   Stimulating evenings exploring and conversing at a time when all other deep inspiration/conversation felt unstimulating else altogether extinguished ~ we too share sisterhood.

We hadn’t however had our meetings since Christmas.  I collected this friend from hospital just before Christmas, as she had been admitted for a few days with stomach troubles.  I collected her and took her home, and a nurse was going in daily administering the prescribed medicine by injection.  We both needed to retreat from our evenings for a while to recuperate from life’s challenges ~ and the cold evenings of January felt like a good time for each of us to retreat.

Last evening I was praying alone in the sacred little chapel, having been at hospital all day long with my other dearest friend.  In fact I had a little candle-lit prayer-vigil going on, for the 3 recent deaths that had sadly happened all within the last two weeks.  Funny how God seems to take back in three’s, mirroring the Trinity.

And as I prayed in the dark evocative candle-lit chapel with Christ, I became fully aware of the candlelight illuminating directly upon His pierced torso.  And as I thought about the so cruel, so unnecessary cut of the sword, I was brought to sudden attention by my phone silently vibrating with an incoming text.  This in the evening is fairly rare ~ and being away from my children I reached for my phone to reassure myself ~ instead I was absolutely shocked to read the message.  In the daytime I had sent my friend a message just saying I was thinking of her, and that as always she was in my prayer ~ she responded with a text that I felt very uneasy with ~ So I took the conversation further.  What a shock thank God I was with Christ.

My dear friend for some reason tonight, thought I ought to know the Truth that thus far she had protected me from.  And she chose tonight to be brave.  She has been diagnosed with untreatable pancreatic cancer.  At present she feels to ill for visitors.  Apparently nurses and a small group of people are caring for her daily.   And soon she will be gone.

I can’t make sense of so much of what has happened since I have come to the Catholic Church.  I have seen and felt so much more suffering in life ~ so much more pain.  I have met face to face with so much more profound brokenness ~ unnecessary hurting ~ and an apparent love so twisted and isolated than ever before it feels.   I have watched People’s sadnesses and disappointments change the course of their life ~ so much hope ~ so unrequited.

And I thank God that my Mum and Dad raised me with such Unconditional Love ~
Guilt free and Happy.    Love.

I was so very shocked to hear this latest news.

I thought in her retreat my friends health was slowly being restored to good health.

Short of secret prayer-time in isolation ~ during the week ~ at night-time when no one else is around ~ I haven’t been to ~ seen ~ or heard from anyone at Church.  I went up last night and sat in deepest candle-lit prayer-vigil for the 3 people who had died.  My prayer-vigil then became hers.

Christ and Mary right there with us.

The Bishop sent a lovely card to my home last week.  The beautiful prayer of Mass had been offered up for my intentions.   My heart and God alone know what my deepest intentions are.

Maybe one day I will re-send him The refined Way of Love Charism ~ it is a way of reintroducing and reaffirming women and All (by Charism)  formally back into the heart of the Catholic Church/Parish ~ A Sisterhood Inspired by Mary Magdalene.  And for those women who have so shared and influenced my journey ~ who were there for me when no one else was, when I was totally isolated ~ their gentleness ~ their listening ministry ~ their prayerful presence ~ their academic intellect ~ their insight ~ their advice ~ their warmth ~ their kindness ~ their unshakeable faith ~ and their Love has blessed me, and taught me a way of being that has inspired and influenced my life.  No one else could have given me this, at the time that I so desperately needed it ~ and they did.   And All others should learn to live this Way of Love too ~ Even the clergy.

And now my two closest sisters in Christ are both dying.

The Charism has our spirit weaved within it ~ theirs inspiring mine.  Trinity.

I have included with this blog post the 2 blogs that I wrote after staying in Claire’s special spare room for 2 nights, when staying at home was not an option.   They were written on June 10th 2013 out of prayer which directly inspired the Charism.    The Charism wasn’t finalised and complied and sprinkled with Holy Water until July 22nd 2013 ~ St Mary Magdalene’s Feast Day.

So you can see just how these friendships offered me refuge and sisterhood whilst I prayed the Charism in to being.


I told my dear friends that we could continue our work from earth or Heaven ~ because God has no boundaries.

So much sadness ~ so much more Love.

Please may you pray for my dear friends intentions

and please may you pray for me ~ for a little more happiness.

Please God.


About mags

Beloved apostle of His Soul x
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