Vigil Mess

I’ve just come home from Church ~ the Saturday Evening Vigil Mass.  This might not seem unusual to you ~ but it is for me ~ this evening was only the second time I have been back to the Vigil Mass in this special little chapel, for a lonnnnng time ~ For a year more or less.

I knew in my heart that I would only return to my Church should I be welcome to receive the Eucharist in the Mother Temple once again ~ I also knew that if I weren’t welcome to, then I would have sent the children’s baptismal certificates back to Papa ~ and from that point on I would have no longer considered myself or my children Catholic ever again.

I knew this because after I wrote the letter to the Bishop requesting him to take us out the Catholic register – and him offering up Mass for my intentions – I got an overpowering spiritual feeling that God wanted me to attend the Chrism Mass.  And that if I didn’t get arrested, then for sure, God still wanted us to be Catholics, and I should return to worship in my local Catholic Church.

In greatest fear I took myself off to the Chrism Mass – I felt very alone and sick to the core – everything was shaking – R was away on business and I explained to the children that I was unsure if I would be arrested or not, and that they had a choice whether to come with me or stay with Blythe and Geraldine. I told them that it was important to stand up for what was right in life, and for what was of God and Love – regardless of the outcome – so that others aren’t treated wrongly.  I asked their opinions and none of them wanted to come.  But Sky said “You are very brave Mummy” – He thought I should go. Sky is so wise and good – one day he would make a brilliant priest if God calls him!

I felt sick with fear – but I knew that God wanted me to go. And I knew that if I got arrested I would send the children’s baptism certificates back to Papa and no longer consider myself or my children Catholic  –  neither work towards a Catholic future.

So I did what I thought God wanted me to do – and I didn’t get arrested.

I listened to every word of the Bishops homily – he is a good and humble man and I am glad he is my new Bishop.

I felt sick and sat in a very discreet place in the Cathedral, and when I stood up I thought my legs were going to collapse beneath me – but I was determined to receive the Eucharist in the Mother Temple.

God Spoke Loud & Clear.

Thank God who Loves me as His daughter.

And Jesus who Loves me as my Rabonni.

A little healing of sorts – at last?  –  Hardly!  – Everything is an open wound – weeping -unhealing – things broken and ruined forever beneath the surface – on top of the surface above the surface  –  smashed to smithereens  –  people have died amidst the weight of sadness and disillusion – unrestorable – relationships have felt the full weight of people not being able to express Love and Tenderness and Healing.  Intimacy decimated with the TRUTH.

and now I have just come from the Vigil Mass with my children – 4 of whom now have decided Church is no longer for them.  There was such a tiny window for a few years where I took them to Church every single week – and they were enthused with it – as enamoured with it as I was.  They couldn’t wait to receive their first Holy Communion. They couldn’t wait to be altar-servers – they all wanted to take up the Offering and the Sacrifice – they all outshone each other in the joy of being children – a loved and welcomed part of a community  –  with many vigil grandmothers.

And in the one year of absence from Church – and all the sadness – and the moving on of loved people – and the lost confidence – and the impossible situation of feeling unsupported – and of being excluded whilst everyone else was invited to weekly, monthly and yearly diocesan events – very publicly through the parish newsletter – vigil announcements – and attendance lists at the back of church – and of not being able to share with everyone who asked of my whereabouts.  Because of those struggles – in just that one year, the window of wonder and faith has now shut on my twins – and they now no longer want to come to Church anymore.

I tell R at the dinner table – and I watch him smile under his skin and I want to retch.

And having just came back from some of the most beautiful simple special worship in solitude in Clifton Cathedral – I don’t think I ever want to be drained of the radiant God bestowed spiritual energy – which is so beautiful in solitude spent – by using it battling with my innocent children, who through no fault of their own have now dispelled themselves from the Church   😦

The age window was too small  –  and I tried with every fibre of my being to hold all the windows open – when all the doors were slammed shut and sealed us out.  And now its just me and Lastborn daughter who behold the wonder of it all, and with it †he Love.

God I Love her †

Todays burdens are yesterdays blessings.

Please may you pray for all of my children.

I will keep you and all the priests in my prayer

In Love mags


About mags

Beloved apostle of His Soul x
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