Dearest . . . .
Your words this week are resounding and disturbing me about taking a break from the Catholic Church in order for healing. Disturbing me because one can neither heal from walking away or from continuing under present oppression/rejection. And your words about ‘Biblical Love’. It was neither biblical Love nor unbiblical Love that I felt and I feel. I fell in Love with the heightened feeling that met me back, in Church. I was awoken in Love for the first ever time consciously in God. And I knew it to be True, as I recognised that same Truth at other previously heightened times in my life ~ when I first met my children after birth ~ when I was holding Dads hand when he died. And I recognised too the times that I hadn’t felt that heightened feeling of Love in God.
When you have done things without doing them in God ~ & then when you do things in Truth because of God ~ with your hand on your heart, you 100% know the difference.
And to be punished and excluded by man – for being True in God is hell on earth. And no amount of unkindness or exclusion or cruelty on the Churches or Clerics part, by denying healing communication, will ever allow for that Truth to be unknown ever again.
The only healing for me is to Love and be Loved.
And this is why I feel so angry with myself for when I said I think Maria is going to the better place. Because that was a shallow cop-out on my part of feeling a living hell on earth, when I know and believe that God wants life on earth to be as it is in Heaven ~ How can this be so when even our holy people and apostolic leaders are so unkind and their love so discriminatory and so withheld and worse withdrawn.
I Am angry and tired having watched Maria’s absolute disappointment and unfulfillment of life, not be put right before she ran out of time, when I can clearly see that all that was needed to appoint and fulfil it in fulness, was the reciprocation of Loving kindness, that she met life with. Instead in some of her most dearest relationships she has been met with so much less. And in her grace has just lived with it ~ forever loving. And the thing which makes this so devastating is the chasm in communication which we see with such clarity in the Adam and Eve creation story which was given to us all as a gift from God so precisely to teach us another way ~ a way where bodged, avoided and blameful merciless communication has no place.
I have no idea why God allows me to articulate myself so much better through writing down my thoughts after contemplation rather than at times verbally ~ but below is an old piece of writing which tries to explain these feelings articulately?
Thank you for your prayer
With Love and sadness