I went to Mass this morning. I arrived during morning prayer & took myself off to the Blessed Sacrament Chapel to light a candle ~ in prayer ~ for Maria. My beautiful best friend of 18 years ~ who is in the final ‘days’ of her life.
The beautiful Transfiguration reading that I was asked to read today has me suspended. Suspended between the absolute poignant clarity of the beautiful words piercing directly into my heart from the page ~ and the absolute fear of crumbling at the lectern whilst reading them.
I lay my fingertips flat upon the book ~ along the trim of the blood-red ribbon ~ so as to contain my shaking fingers ~ and in place my legs begin to shake.
My spirit is strong.
My morning voice lower and stronger.
I focus upon a new face in the faithful ~ that earthly angel keeps me together.
Before I had even left my chair to bow before the altar, I imagine Mother Mary taking her blue robe off and wrapping it around my shoulders (just as Claire had suggested I do, when I first ever disclosed to her that I get so nervous when ever I am asked to read) This calms and comforts and protects me, and is an all powerful meditation for Mary’s intercession.
Thoughts of Claire come flooding into my mind ~ I Am not alone ~ She is there for me especially now ~ holding my hand from Heaven.
God Bless the priest who listened to my words at the vigil Mass when I said ‘Thank you for singing certain parts of the Mass today, I Love it’ ~ especially as he most often speaks them. On the days now that he notices my tears he sings ‘Through Him and with Him and in Him/O God, almighty Father/In the unity of the Holy Spirit/All glory and honour are yours/Forever and ever Amen’ ~ it helps raise my spirit up to God.
I feel his kindness ~ and my tears are hurting but grateful ones.
In this very same place ~ at night time ~ right here in the Blessed Sacrament Chapel ~ in solitude ~ My Lord cradles my soul in His Love.
It is broken open.
My hurting is meld with His blood dripping from His torso.
He infuses me.
An infusion of His life-giving Love.
Sometimes the pain is so intense ~ there is no pain ~ It is a pain So past the perimeters of pain, there is a numbness beyond numbing.
And beyond this numbing, nothing but an empty stillness lingers.
Which actually is full of peace.
No one can disturb it.
It is undisturbable.
At a time when I thought I needed support ~ I Am self-supporting.
The ‘Cohabitatio’ is discovered to having become over familiar with my once well respected dear elder, close church friend. Their open harmless public flirtations became secret private intimate kisses, recorded to eacother on phone devices, and accidentally evidenced in emails of thanks-giving sent to the wrong person ~ me ~ on the very same devices that we once reached out for in friendship and compassion.
The timing is dire.
God Speaks Loud & Clear ~ and yet he offers me never any practical solutions.
Everything it seems is coming to an end ~ and yet there isn’t even a bridge to sleep under. And still all I can do is be kind to those who are hurting me. For what else is there to be done.
I wait for synod outcomes ~ and endings ~ and discernment ~ and death ~ and friendship and life ~ and God who is Love.
I wait for Love.
And everything comes too late ~ Suddenly what was once a happy life is merely Transfigured into nothing but death.
As Maria so poignantly from her death bed says ~ nothing matters anymore at all.
‘As I watched: Thrones were set in place
and one of great age took his seat.
His robe was white as snow,
the hair of his head as pure as wool.
His throne was a blaze of flames,
its wheels were a burning fire.
A stream of fire poured out,
issuing from his presence.
A thousand thousand waited on him,
ten thousand times ten thousand stood before him.
A court was held and the books were opened.
And I saw, coming on the clouds of heaven,
one like a son of man.
He came to the one of great age
and was led into his presence.
On him was conferred sovereignty, glory and kingship,
and men of all peoples, nations and languages
became his servants.
His sovereignty is an eternal sovereignty
which shall never pass away,
nor will his empire ever be destroyed.’
And yet all I can see is things passing away.
I pray for Grace †
Ps. At a time when the EXX asks me to examine the very nature of sin ~ in the face of my beautiful friend dying ~ so innocent ~ so fully Loved by God ~ so full of Grace ~ Having began ~ I now bluntly refuse to consider sin!
Then God it seems intervenes ~ and decides he will encourage me to contemplate sin on His terms.