I Wonder

My beautiful best friend will have died exactly one month ago tomorrow morning at 9.38am.  Tomorrows date will be the 5th October 2015.  Maria died on the morning of the 5th September 2015.  One complete moon has passed by.  I can’t believe I haven’t seen her for one complete month.  Time and space holds no weight anymore.  My Heavenly family grows bigger day by day.  Dearest loves who were once outside of me are now inside of me, as one day I too will be inside of others ~ and ~ maybe I am inside of those loved ones too, who are already Heaven bound.  Maybe I am already in Heaven little broken bit, by little broken bit, with each life that is passing from here to there ~ maybe I am moving to Heaven in little pieces of Love already passed over with each Love who goes before me. Love taken there on the wings of my angels ~ and Love left here.

Divided or whole?

Maybe before I completely get to Heaven I will already be completely there.

The morning that Maria’s breath became so laboured that even I could feel life gently slipping into the distance ~ I found myself desperate to ease her transition from one realm to the next, beyond the sound of her dying to her own rattling, rasping, dying breath.  And then I remembered back to her four week stay previously in the hospital ~ when on her first high dose of morphine via the syringe driver, she had said in her lucidity that she had heard the most beautiful angels singing the most beautiful hymns.  A few days later I asked her if she remembered the beautiful singing ~ it was only then that she told me that in her lucidity she was having vivid memories back to her childhood ~ and that she had somehow because of the drugs, accessed and recalled long ago memories of her beautiful school choir singing the most beautiful hymns, from when she was a child in her convent school in Nevers in France.

As we sat waiting the rasping was too sad a noise to bear alone ~ and then I suddenly remembered.  I took my iPhone out of my bag ~ and I summoned up my Homeless Rome blog.  And there on the gentlest volume, as Maria lay fading upon the bed, I played the following recording of Gregorio Allegri’s glorious Miserere.

I played it 3 times over.

The room was instantly filled with the breath of angels.

I never needed to play it a fourth time.

It is said that it is perhaps the purest, most definitive sound ever achieved by a professional choir.  ~ It was beautiful ~ It was perfect ~ Maria was beautiful and perfect. And now I will never listen to this piece of music ever again ~ without feeling somehow Maria’s most purest final presence ~ softly transcending worlds ~ like an angel treading air in friendship.

I think and I write ~ and sometimes I share what I think and I write ~ t’is my way of processing things.  Rarely I receive a response ~ sometimes that response is beautiful and full of wonder . . .

“Take heart and go gently. Look at Eph 3.14-21 about being filled with the utter fullness of God.  That is my prayer for you dear one.”

. . . and sometimes a response warms and holds and melts me down ~ and makes me feel Loved ~ like a child that needs loving and mending and holding.

Rarer still Miracles happen.

I look up Ephesians

B e a u t i f u l.

Then remarkably the ‘secret-force’ who has access to my-everything-on-my-computer, clicks on the-one-blog where a commenter in their comment calls me ‘dear one’.  I am thrown.   My heightened senses spot it straight away.

I look up the Ephesians reading again and again ~ it is breathtaking.

I go to church ~ and to Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament before the vigil Mass ~ I Am on my knees ~ the Deacon reads the reading he has chosen for the prayer at the end of Adoration ~ it is Ephesians 3: 14-17

‘This, then, is what I pray, kneeling before the Father, from whom every family, whether spiritual or natural, takes its name:
Out of his infinite glory, may he give you the power through his Spirit for your hidden self to grow strong, so that Christ may live in your hearts through faith, and then, planted in love and built on love, you will with all the saints have strength to grasp the breadth and the length, the height and the depth; until, knowing the love of Christ, which is beyond all knowledge, you are filled with the utter fullness of God.’

I am shocked ~ its hard to believe ~ maybe I heard it wrong ~ so at the end of Mass I stay behind to copy the actual words from the deacons black leather file from which he reads.  I bring it home ~ it is the same.  It’s as if I am hearing the words once again All-Powerful for the very first time.

And then ~ just to completely and utterly blow me away . . . I am looking for something on my old magsmuse blog and I come across this



“May be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the width and length and depth and height. To know the love of Christ which passes knowledge; and you may be filled with all the fullness of God.” -Eph.3:18-19


I was flicking though my old blog looking for something ~ and I was led to this photo, which I took in the venerable English College in Rome ~ it was one of my many fluke photos ~ and after taking it I noticed how it was capturing Christ and Magdalene in the real presence!  And right there was the reading ~ Ephesians!!!  Being filled with God!!!!  I had completely forgotten this ~ as when I had previously looked up the Ephesians reading it were as if I were hearing it for the first ever time.

God I Am loving this journey ~ so much wonder – so much mysterious coincidental wonder ~ So many magical moments ~ God always so playfully present – just letting me know He is right there ~ and that everything is connected by this beautiful synchronicity and overwhelming thread of Love.  Even despite the sadness we live through ~ which somehow feels perfectly complete in its own completion like it couldn’t have been any other way.

Bizarre Cosmos.

Such a special special journey.

I am filled with the utter fullness of God.  I am filled with the utter fulness of God-fearing awe.  And I am filled with the utter fullness of not knowing where the line is drawn between His Wonder unexplainably bestowed upon me, by Him ~ and the less human wonder of why any of you, should bother so to intervene on His behalf, by doing what you all do so visibly but anonymously?

I Wonder  . . . . . .

Night night God Bless.

Human guardians ~ Please don’t hurt anyone in your work ~ tread gently and try to understand the depths of Love bestowed by God.

‘What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder’

Trust that angels are watching over us all.

God Bless


About mags

Beloved apostle of His Soul x
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